Today I realized I'm secretly superstitious. I posted "I feel stupendously lucky and blessed...." on my Facebook page, and looked out the window to see if the clouds were boiling and lightning bolts gathering to strike. It is a bit cloudy today, but not catastrophically so. A corner of my mind (some ancient crevice where spilled salt still gets thrown over the shoulder, and stepping on sidewalk cracks elicits guilt), fears that by acknowledging the nourishing and joyous weekend I had teaching a group of amazing women, my excitement around how the book is going, and the sweet family I'm grateful to enjoy, the karmic universe will seek to even out the balance of love and light with difficulty and darkness. By saying it out loud, as gratitude pours out of my heart, I'm afraid I'll jinx myself. Poof. Although, I guess there's another way to think of it: that maybe this joy is the balancing... the happy payback for the distant periods of depression and dissatisfaction I've already survived.
Perhaps the real key is enjoying and relishing the wonder of the moment, and letting the knowledge that this pleasure is real, but not everlasting, help me appreciate my joy all the more. Much preferable to waiting for the next giant karmic shoe to drop. I imagine the Universe wears Manolo Blahniks. She has a great sense of style, humor, and infinite resources. And really big feet.
The feeling of being lucky and blessed isn't one we should be scared to articulate or experience. Instead, it ought to be a feeling we enjoy, embody, and share with each other.
One of my little blessings today: I got my first encouraging response from my initial inquiry to a publisher by email this morning. A dear student put me in touch with the acquisitions editor at a press where she used to work. The editor responded to my brief detailed description of the book and where I am in the writing process with..."We would be very interested... in looking at your manuscript... when you're ready." And directed me to their submissions guidelines. Cool. Publishing the book is starting to feel... real, and closer than I imagined.