I'm not sure how to explain this: I’m sick. You probably wouldn’t notice from my appearance.
In fact, if you look at all my health indicators, cholesterol, thyroid, glucose, red blood cell count, B12, blah, blah, I appear to be wildly healthy. On my yoga mat I can still rock an awesome eka pada kundinyasana two (imagine sticking your leg over your arm and then lifting both legs and balancing on your hands… oh yeah.). But I’m sick. I’ve been sick for months.
One of the goals of the Health At Every Size movement is to get people to think about health as their primary goal, not weight. You eat your tasty greens and veggies, you give your body enjoyable movement, and you focus on being healthy and happy, not on losing weight.
Health is a worthy goal, and one I wholeheartedly believe in. I’ll take the equation “health = good” over the equation “thin = good” anytime.
But what happens when you’ve been doing everything “right”, and you get sick anyway? Does it naturally follow that if “health = good” then “sick = bad”? Am I only a good person if I’m healthy? Is it my fault that I’m sick?
We do ourselves a disservice if we turn health into a magical mantra to ward off evil sickness, as if we could somehow hold illness and death at bay by building a fortress of carrots mortared with flaxseed oil, kale chips, and sweat.
I hate to be the one to say it, but no matter how healthy we are, no matter how good our “numbers” are… we are all going to get sick. We are all going to die. Yup. No matter how well we take care of ourselves.
And guess what? It’s not your fault.
Our bodies are fragile and strong, vulnerable and vibrant, aging and youthful, all at the same time. If you get sick, it’s not because of your weight, or because you eat doughnuts, or because you skipped your workout, or because you don’t do enough pranayama (that’s breathing exercises for you non-yogis out there). You get sick because you have a body that is perfect and imperfect, a body that wants to heal and find balance, but sometimes gets overwhelmed by it all.
Your beautiful body doesn’t suddenly become bad when you get sick. Your sick body is worthy of love, too.
When your best friend gets sick, do you stop calling them? Do you bully and shame them because they can’t get out of bed? Nah. When your best friend gets sick, you send them flowers, bring them a casserole, make them tea, and even listen to them complain a bit. You encourage them and help them heal. Just like your best friend, your best friend body needs extra love when it’s sick. ‘Cause hate doesn’t heal. We know that.
I’m giving my body lots of extra love right now, taking care of it, feeding it and treating it right. And yet, part of me feels embarrassed about being sick. Much of my persona as a yoga instructor is tied up in having a healthy, vibrant body. Acknowledging that my body isn’t always healthy feels vulnerable and scary. It feel weird to call myself "sick." Sometimes I feel great, other times I feel terrible. Mostly I’m coping pretty well; aside from the illness, my body feels strong and capable.
Perhaps you’re hoping that at some point I’m going to reveal what’s “wrong” with me. (See, it’s even in the language… I’m sick, there’s something wrong with me, I’m bad.) I would love to tell you. If I knew.
I have Illnessa Mysteriousum. What, you’ve never heard of it? Apparently neither has anyone else! Here are (some of) my symptoms over the past year: loss of sense of smell, chronic sinus congestion, headache, asthma, coughing, hoarseness, fatigue. I’ve tried some eastern medicine and some western medicine. We’ve mostly ruled out allergies and are exploring the possibility that I picked up a lung-attacking parasite during my trip to the jungle last summer. That, or an autoimmune thing. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Meanwhile, I’m looking for the answers this amazing body deserves. You and me, body, we’re in this together.
Love You Body Blog part 59
I really appreciate this post as you know that I am very concerned about the equation of morality with health. Just as I disagree with justifying gayness with biology I disagree with justifying being fat (in my case) with health (e.g. - those that fight fat phobia by trumpeting their health).
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that we are a society that confuses the notion of choice with immorality and biological determinism with morality (or that is the way the arguments go, many people still won't agree that gayness is okay, even if it is something someone "can't help).
If I am fat and diseased, then I brought it upon myself by choosing it (dubious logic, of course, but that's how it works). If I am fat and healthy, that's supposed to be enough to prove to those fat haters among us that being fat is okay. Therefore, being fat and unhealthy is bad, I am bad and I have no control.
All of this, of course, is as you point out - a reaction to the impossibility of controlling ones ultimate demise. The Fountain of Youth hasn't been found in a while and as far as I can tell, immortality ain't all its cracked up to be anyway (just ask any vampire).
It's sometimes painful to be human, fallible and yet wrestle with the questions of choice vs. destiny (I don't think it's an either/or).
Health is used as a weapon against people - we deny it to many (poverty, race, access, polutants, etc), we lord it over others (*I'm healthy* because *I* made good choices), as if it were that simple, and we judge people based on our perception of whether they caused their own health crisis or it happened to them. If they are perceived to have caused it, god help them (me).
So much to say! Dig your post.
Jenny
Also, it totally sucks that you're sick and aren't getting better. I'm really sorry to hear this.
ReplyDeleteJenny
You're so right, Jenny. I noticed that even in the post, I claimed that I'm "treating my body right." Well, so what? What if I don't treat my body perfectly all the time? Who could? The truth is I'm just doing the best I can. That's all any of us are ever doing. Being imperfect doesn't make us bad or wrong. It makes us human.
ReplyDelete*hugs* and love... and thank you so much for posting this. Indeed, we are all worthy and deserving of love and respect, whatever our health status or dis/ability.
ReplyDeleteFriggin' drag to be sick with no end in sight. I know how that is, and it's the pits. I'm hoping it's GERD and remembering your evil bout of bronchitis in law school. Take care of yourself, love, and let us all know if there's anything we can do.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you're sick. I had similar symptoms about 7 years ago, months and months of low grade fever, cough, hoarseness, fatigue... I went to several doctors who prescribed conventional and unconventional medicines and approaches, used up all my sick days and vacation time, and still nothing worked. I finally concluded I was "allergic to work". And guess what. I was. I quit after I had a ridiculous fight with HR about the air conditioning being too cold. I was miraculously healed the following day. Anyway, hope you figure it out, and feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteYes, we like to think that if we get sick we've failed somehow -- but it's inevitable that everyone will get sick at some point, no matter what they do! I'm sorry you've had these icky symptoms. We tend to think doctors (of any tradition) can fix these things but so often they're just as much at a loss as we are. Found that out when I had an unsettled/upset stomach for months on end. The problem pretty much went away on its own after my trip to Hong Kong. So mysterious!
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon. <3 And in the meantime, so much love to your body!
Right Kimber - there's so much judgment about how someone treats their body, and I think in our world of ever increasing costs for medical treatment and insurance, it's going to get worse. Those who are perceived to not be doing "what they can" to take care of themselves will be blamed for the high costs to those that supposedly are.
ReplyDeleteThis, of course, places the onus in the wrong place and denies the fact that we have little control. I mean, any of us could die tomorrow in an accident and it wouldn't have mattered how we treated our bodies.
But also, we are being insidiously poisoned by toxic pollutants, genetically modified crops, pesticides, plastics, unmonitored dryer emissions from chemicals in detergents companies are not required to divulge, and more. It's far easier to blame the individual and require them to "do what they can" than to approach and change the systemic problems and profits which create diseases, inequity and which promote naive intolerance.
WOW! So powerful! Loved the article AND all the comments. Thank you! I sure hope you are healed of this insidious malaze very soon. Love, love, Love! Lora
ReplyDeleteI loved this piece Kimber. Thanks for sharing in such a delightfully honest and colorful way. I have been dealing with feelings of unworthiness as around my health after a tough year of lots of transition (personal and professional). Whatever the reason though weather it was something I caused or not, your writing has inspired me to give myself a break. :) I pray you find relief soon. I have had a lot of success from NAET (which can help fortify the body by testing it for perceived allergies exposing it to homeopathic doses of it while in a relaxed state. Combined with acupuncture and applied kinesiology (muscle testing etc)I have gotten a lot of relief. I highly recommend you give it a shot if you havent yet. Lots of love Kimber!
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