Does this ever happen to you? Someone comes up to you and says, “Look at
you, you look great!” or “I love that top on you,” or “What a beautiful smile
you have.” And you’re pleased for a
moment, maybe you even say thank you.
And then… you start disagreeing with them. “I didn’t get any sleep last night, can’t you
see the bags under my eyes?” Or, “This
old thing? I just didn’t have any clean clothes.” Or, “The better to eat you
with, my dear.”
Okay, maybe you wouldn’t say the last one, but how
often do you catch yourself arguing with a compliment? Many of us shake off compliments with the
same vigor with which we’d slap a spider off our arm.
The truth is, most of the time we don’t believe the
compliment. We don’t believe that we’re
worthy of praise. Some of us (I’m
looking at you, Midwesterners) even believe that accepting a compliment is a
moral failing that will jinx us for life, dooming us to that special ring of
hell filled with narcissists, show-offs, and people who never call their mother.
Face it. Many
of us have a huge disconnect between how others perceive us and how we perceive
ourselves. If we have wrinkles, we
assume people think we’re old and no fun and not beautiful anymore, even if the
person in front of us is telling us the opposite. If we’re fat, we think that’s all anyone sees
and responds to, and that we’re not entitled to feel sexy and brilliant, even
if our friends, lovers, and colleagues see us as the best thing since the
burrito.
It doesn’t matter how many times someone pounds on
the door, yelling “STELL-LA! I love
you!!!” if we’re hiding inside the house with our headphones on listening over
and over again to the same old song, the one whose refrain is: “I’m not good
enough, no one could love me.” We’ll
never hear them.
It’s weird.
You have to believe that a compliment is true, at least unconsciously,
before you can accept it. Otherwise, it
rolls like water off a raincoated duck.
Accepting a
compliment gracefully and believing it isn’t easy if we’ve always done the
opposite. But it is possible. Creating this new habit requires three things:
1.
Notice what your underlying belief is, specifically why it is you don’t
believe good things about yourself.
2.
Replace that belief with a healthier and more loving one.
3.
Give yourself affectionate compliments to practice receiving them well
from others.
Of course if you want to learn how to do this and
more while hanging out with a bunch of awesome women for an amazing weekend,
join me for the June Love Your Body Retreat in Sonoma from Fri-Sun, June 21-23. $549 includes everything but your
transportation. Let me know if you’re
interested! Kimber@kimberyoga.com
